I don't even know anymore.
I'm losing interest in everything. Nothing seems worth it anymore. I haven't eaten properly in years. I know I shouldn't be skipping meals, but I don't even fucking care. Life is going to be shitty for the next two years anyways. I can't even go to a party without feeling awkward, because she should be there, seeing everything and talking with everyone. I'm no life of the party, I'm fine sipping whatever fruity cocktail while she goes around and talks to everyone.
My life is gross. I'm gross. I don't want to live like this.
I have no friends in real life, at least not somebody I can say who's close. It's just people I talk with while at school because we're in the same class. I have some pseudo-intellectual douche bag one-upping me and making me feel awful. I had people who made me feel awful about my self image for years, I was convinced
that I was fat for the longest time. It took me until just recently when I looked in a mirror to make me feel good about myself. Not that anybody would comment. I'm just the one kid that's strung along for everything. I have nowhere to fit, and nobody likes me. I don't blame them. It's not like I do anything special, I'm average in every way. I mean, I don't have anything to do and all I want to do is spend my time on the computer. Nobody gets it. Nobody I know can see that I'm such a fucking wreck.
Online isn't even fun anymore. I'm just there. I've tried roleplaying, I guess livejournal roleplays just aren't my thing. Fandoms change I guess, and I don't have many people to hang out and talk about the current one. I joined another pokemon forums recently, it's working well so far but I'm still new and I just don't get it. Everyone there says they like me, but they don't even know the real me. They just know the guy who's upbeat on the forums.
And you all say I'm an awesome person, that I'm strong and intelligent or something. I'm not. I'm normal, and I'm not even that smart of a guy. I sit back and let everybody do everything, even online. You'd think that behind a screen I'd learn to take some sort of initiative, but nope. I'm the biggest fucking pansy ever. STOP PUTTING ME ON A PEDESTAL.
I'm not smart, I'm not all that interesting, or talented. I'm just me. I'm a pathetic slob who doesn't even manage to live life properly. I don't eat, I don't do my homework, I just sit around and wait for something better to happen.
I just want to make it through highschool.
In the words of one of Lady GaGa's new songs:
"I just want to be myself and I want you to love me for who I am."
I haven't felt the love in a long time.